By David DeRocco

In the spirit of Mad Magazine, holiday mockery and all things festive, GoBe Weekly presents our 2016 “Twisted Christmas” songbook.

 POLICE YELLING LETS JUST OPEN FIRE (Sung to “The Christmas Song/Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”)

 Police yelling ‘let’s just open fire’

With high pressured fire hose

Rubber slugs being shot at the crowd

Swat teams in their riot clothes

 

Everybody knows

The protests in America

Stem from results election night

Democrats with their eyes all aglow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight

 

They know that Donald’s on his way

He’s uttered lies and empty promises on his way

And every Clinton aid just has to cry

Knowing Hillary’s long career has finally died

 

And so

I’m offering this warning to

Those who love democracy

Don’t you gloat,

And research your vote

Before you elect, crazies

 

IT’S TIME FOR A CELEBRITY FUNERAL

(Sung to “It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas”)

 It’s time for a celebrity funeral

Look who else just died

This year we said bye to Prince, the thought it made us wince

With Bowie ill, the world stood still and cried

 

It’s time for a celebrity funeral

Leonard Cohen’s passed

Greg Lake and Gordie too, that’s ‘Mr. Hockey’ to you

Keith Emerson/Flo Henderson both gassed

 

A former Eagle named Glen, Merle Haggard and then

Muhammad Ali said goodbye

Abe Vigoda was Fish, Patty Duke quite the dish

George Martin the Beatles’ main guy

And mom and dad were oh so sad when Morely Safer died

 

It’s time for a celebrity funeral

Gary Shandling’s gone

Gary Marshall and Vanity, Rob Vaughn of U.N.C.L.E. set free

Nancy Reagan, got taken back to Ron

 

It’s time for a celebrity funeral

All your favs must go

But the thing you can count on, one person who won’t be gone

Is Keith Richards, oh no!

 

OH TRUDEAU

(Sung to “Let It Snow”)

 Oh the Liberal in power is frightful

But his gaffs are so delightful

He prasied the dictator Castro

Oh Trudeau oh Trudeau oh Trudeau

 

He doesn’t show signs of stopping

On legal weed he is flip-flopping

The western pipeline is now a go

Oh Trudeau oh Trudeau oh Trudeau

 

When he elbowed Ruth Ellen Brosseau

In the chest during heated debate

Justin put on quite the show

And now we’ve got “Elbow-Gate”

 

On the carbon tax he’s just lying

Got to give him points for trying

In four years it’ll be time to go

No Trudeau no Trudeau no Trudeau

 

IT’S THE LEAST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

(Sung To “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”)

 It’s the least wonderful time of the year

With bad decorations and high expectations

Of fake Christmas cheer

It’s the least wonderful time of the year

 

It’s the crap-crappiest season of all

When those radio stations go Christmas rotation

As early as fall

It’s the crap-crappiest season of all

 

When sad people grow idle

They get suicidal

And never have places to go

They turn to narcotics

And drink like psychotics

And family is last, last to know

 

It’s the least spiritual time of the year

So unrealistic and materialistic

Holy message unclear

It’s the least spiritual time of the year

 

HYDRO BILLS

(Sung to “Silver Bells”)

 Kathleen Wynne said, like a talking head

That we need to reduce

The consumption of our vital hydro

I was willing, till the billing

Showed that something’s not right

I used less but still I paid more

 

Hydro bills, hydro bills

What’s this Orwellian logic

Less is more, what a score

Still we’re expected to pay

 

Strings of new lights, tossed them outright

Shut my new hot tub down

Dried my laundry at 4 in the morning

Tried to reduce, it was no use

Still my hydro bills climbed

Left the grid but I’m still being gouged

 

Hydro bills, hydro bills

How did Wynne get re-elected

Want to beat her, with smart meters

Can’t wait till election day